A Few Rules of Life

1. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

2. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

3. Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

4. There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

5. Life is sexually transmitted.

6. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

7. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

8. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

9. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

10. You can still get the last word in: Apologize.

11. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use a computer and they won't bother you for weeks.

12. Some people are like Slinkies . . . they are not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

13. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, dying for no apparent reason.

14. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?

15. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

16. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

17. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

18. In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

19. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

20. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?